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To be honest, I don't even know what to write at all. Three days ago, my grandpa died and I rushed home from university so that I can be with my family.
My grandma is devastated, she has looked after and cared for him for so many years - she doesn't know what to do without him. I know he was sick, he had Parkinson for 26 years now, but still... I just can't believe he's gone, nor can I accept it. I'm at my grandma's place now so that she's not alone in her apartment and I'm pretty sure she's never looked that small and fragilev to me before.
I've seen him... He looks so peaceful, as if he's just sleeping. And I really could swear he's grinning, almost as if he's happy. It's strange, really. I mean, I've seen him and I still can't believe he's not here anymore. I'm so used to him calling my grandma or him bustling around somewhere! And now that I'm here in this horribly empty apartment, it's so SILENT suddenly.
My dad wanted to take my gran in, but she absolutely refuses to stay with the rest of the family. She says she'd miss her bed and everything. I'm so terribly sorry for her, I don't even know what to do or to say. The funeral's on Tuesday and I don't know anyone who's not afraid of that day.
My father's scared half to death - he lost his father, after all. My mom is looking so, so tired - she can't sleep anymore. My brother just lost himself into World of Warcraft so that he wouldn't be left alone with his thoughts.
And my sister doesn't even know that grandpa's gone. They decided not to tell her until she asks where he is... I don't know, maybe it's better that way. She's too young, anyway.
I'm scared. I don't know what I'm scared of exactly, but I am. Scared and miserable, sad and desperate.
I didn't even know how much I loved him... And now that he's gone, I can't even tell him.
I pray to God that he's alright wherever he is now. I pray to God that I'll see him again, someday.
Grandpa, I really love you. I still do, I always will.
Please rest in peace...
"I pray you'll be our eyes, and watch us where we go
And help us to be wise in times when we don't know
Let this be our prayer, when we lose our way
Lead us to the place, guide us with your grace
To a place where we'll be safe..."
~ The Prayer - Celtic Woman
My grandma is devastated, she has looked after and cared for him for so many years - she doesn't know what to do without him. I know he was sick, he had Parkinson for 26 years now, but still... I just can't believe he's gone, nor can I accept it. I'm at my grandma's place now so that she's not alone in her apartment and I'm pretty sure she's never looked that small and fragilev to me before.
I've seen him... He looks so peaceful, as if he's just sleeping. And I really could swear he's grinning, almost as if he's happy. It's strange, really. I mean, I've seen him and I still can't believe he's not here anymore. I'm so used to him calling my grandma or him bustling around somewhere! And now that I'm here in this horribly empty apartment, it's so SILENT suddenly.
My dad wanted to take my gran in, but she absolutely refuses to stay with the rest of the family. She says she'd miss her bed and everything. I'm so terribly sorry for her, I don't even know what to do or to say. The funeral's on Tuesday and I don't know anyone who's not afraid of that day.
My father's scared half to death - he lost his father, after all. My mom is looking so, so tired - she can't sleep anymore. My brother just lost himself into World of Warcraft so that he wouldn't be left alone with his thoughts.
And my sister doesn't even know that grandpa's gone. They decided not to tell her until she asks where he is... I don't know, maybe it's better that way. She's too young, anyway.
I'm scared. I don't know what I'm scared of exactly, but I am. Scared and miserable, sad and desperate.
I didn't even know how much I loved him... And now that he's gone, I can't even tell him.
I pray to God that he's alright wherever he is now. I pray to God that I'll see him again, someday.
Grandpa, I really love you. I still do, I always will.
Please rest in peace...
"I pray you'll be our eyes, and watch us where we go
And help us to be wise in times when we don't know
Let this be our prayer, when we lose our way
Lead us to the place, guide us with your grace
To a place where we'll be safe..."
~ The Prayer - Celtic Woman
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Blue Horizon
4 min read
It seems to be a tradition of mine to look back at the end of the year and to remember everything that happened... And my, a lot happened in 2010!
I was right last year - 2010 was the Year of Changes. There were things changing constantly around me, ends and new beginnings, farewells and welcomes wherever you look.
Firstly, I graduated. I'm done with school and I'm glad - I have no intention to ever go back. It was no nice time, I'm not going to lie; most of of the time I hated school, my teachers and everyone else so fiercely that I was about to quit. I made it through, though, and I think there's never going to be a time when I'll miss about 90% of the people there. That's what you get for being different, I guess.
After my graduation, there was this long, long period of waiting, hoping for the best and fearing the worst - I applied for university. After an entry exam - which I miraculously passed, God knows how - I had to wait two long, long months until I got the answer from university.
Next, it was moving out that dominated my thoughts - my best friend and me had to find a flat, fill in papers, hand in application letters for state funding... Goodness, that was a stressfull time!
Then, there was the move itself. We had a big fight just the day before we moved and I was on the verge of blowing off the whole thing (after we had our flat and everything set and safe), but we managed to make up and looking back now, it was a misunderstanding and pretty stupid. But hey, now my father knows that I'd take a beating for standing up for him^^
We lived alone about two or three weeks before university started which was another big event this year.
At the beginning, I feared that university might be too much for me, too hard... But now, it's okay, I've grown familiar to my class mates and the teachers and it's okay, really. Sometimes it's actually fun
I'm studying "Translation" in English and Russian which will hopefully bring me the degree of Bachelor of Arts first and Master of Arts afterwards^^
I made new friends in university - people that liked me right from the beginning and for who I am. That's the nice thing about new places, the people you get to know know nothing of you or your past, it's a whole new beginning! I like that because I don't have to pretend anymore in front of these people. A nice change
But what changed the most is probably me. The last seven years were a big, dark hole for me from where there was no escape. Not a single ray of light, nothing. My depression took a strong hold of me and at some point... there was a time when I was really considering suicide.
It was a hard time, even though I learned many things about the people around me and myself - mainly that if you single yourself out, you'll be left out. Neither friends nor family can read minds... and you have to speak up, to raise your voice if you want them to listen.
I'm at peace now. I still haven't found what I've been looking for, but for the first time in years, I can walk through a Christmas market with a smile. I can honestly smile while listening to christmas carols and even the decoration - that used to drive me nuts because it was too bright and too cheerful - is now something I can enjoy.
I don't know what happened - it's probably the fact that I left behind all the people that I lost last year, people that were constantly around me and reminding me of the fact that they betrayed me.
I'm still far from being conent or the happy girl I was seven years ago. But I think - and sincerely hope - that I'm on my way. It's not gonna be like it was... but it's gonna be better.
2010 was the Year of Changes - mainly good ones.
I still wonder what 2011 will be like... But we'll see, won't we?^^
December 14th, 2010
Kima
I was right last year - 2010 was the Year of Changes. There were things changing constantly around me, ends and new beginnings, farewells and welcomes wherever you look.
Firstly, I graduated. I'm done with school and I'm glad - I have no intention to ever go back. It was no nice time, I'm not going to lie; most of of the time I hated school, my teachers and everyone else so fiercely that I was about to quit. I made it through, though, and I think there's never going to be a time when I'll miss about 90% of the people there. That's what you get for being different, I guess.
After my graduation, there was this long, long period of waiting, hoping for the best and fearing the worst - I applied for university. After an entry exam - which I miraculously passed, God knows how - I had to wait two long, long months until I got the answer from university.
Next, it was moving out that dominated my thoughts - my best friend and me had to find a flat, fill in papers, hand in application letters for state funding... Goodness, that was a stressfull time!
Then, there was the move itself. We had a big fight just the day before we moved and I was on the verge of blowing off the whole thing (after we had our flat and everything set and safe), but we managed to make up and looking back now, it was a misunderstanding and pretty stupid. But hey, now my father knows that I'd take a beating for standing up for him^^
We lived alone about two or three weeks before university started which was another big event this year.
At the beginning, I feared that university might be too much for me, too hard... But now, it's okay, I've grown familiar to my class mates and the teachers and it's okay, really. Sometimes it's actually fun
I'm studying "Translation" in English and Russian which will hopefully bring me the degree of Bachelor of Arts first and Master of Arts afterwards^^
I made new friends in university - people that liked me right from the beginning and for who I am. That's the nice thing about new places, the people you get to know know nothing of you or your past, it's a whole new beginning! I like that because I don't have to pretend anymore in front of these people. A nice change
But what changed the most is probably me. The last seven years were a big, dark hole for me from where there was no escape. Not a single ray of light, nothing. My depression took a strong hold of me and at some point... there was a time when I was really considering suicide.
It was a hard time, even though I learned many things about the people around me and myself - mainly that if you single yourself out, you'll be left out. Neither friends nor family can read minds... and you have to speak up, to raise your voice if you want them to listen.
I'm at peace now. I still haven't found what I've been looking for, but for the first time in years, I can walk through a Christmas market with a smile. I can honestly smile while listening to christmas carols and even the decoration - that used to drive me nuts because it was too bright and too cheerful - is now something I can enjoy.
I don't know what happened - it's probably the fact that I left behind all the people that I lost last year, people that were constantly around me and reminding me of the fact that they betrayed me.
I'm still far from being conent or the happy girl I was seven years ago. But I think - and sincerely hope - that I'm on my way. It's not gonna be like it was... but it's gonna be better.
2010 was the Year of Changes - mainly good ones.
I still wonder what 2011 will be like... But we'll see, won't we?^^
December 14th, 2010
Kima
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You'll be in my heart...
2 min read
By next week at this time, I'll be in my new flat all alone, just with my best friend. She and I are sharing a flat because in October, university will start.
We have to move to an entirely new city, much bigger than our hometowns and quite a distance away from out families, too; it's about 400km from our homes to our new living place. And as much as I'm looking forward to living on my own and breaking free from my father's somewhat overly protective rule, I'm rather sad at the same time.
Because being away from my family means that I also have to leave my friends behind. Sure, they're moving in all kinds of directions, too (I've got a friend spending 3 months in the UK!), but I still can't help but feel melancholy.
Tonight, we had dinner together and I admit that I'm feeling really strange. I'm happy to see all of them laugh and chat, but at the same time I know that I won't see them for a very long time after next week. It's sad, really, because I love all of them dearly and not having my girls around me will be very strange once I'll live on my own.
But I know that this is how things go in life - you meet, you part. Life's full of goodbyes - but I'm not certain if I like that.
Still, all of them - my family and my friends - will always be in my heart. They are the place that I always will be able to return to. My home.
Because they are where my heart is.
And you know - you always meet twice a lifetime.
We have to move to an entirely new city, much bigger than our hometowns and quite a distance away from out families, too; it's about 400km from our homes to our new living place. And as much as I'm looking forward to living on my own and breaking free from my father's somewhat overly protective rule, I'm rather sad at the same time.
Because being away from my family means that I also have to leave my friends behind. Sure, they're moving in all kinds of directions, too (I've got a friend spending 3 months in the UK!), but I still can't help but feel melancholy.
Tonight, we had dinner together and I admit that I'm feeling really strange. I'm happy to see all of them laugh and chat, but at the same time I know that I won't see them for a very long time after next week. It's sad, really, because I love all of them dearly and not having my girls around me will be very strange once I'll live on my own.
But I know that this is how things go in life - you meet, you part. Life's full of goodbyes - but I'm not certain if I like that.
Still, all of them - my family and my friends - will always be in my heart. They are the place that I always will be able to return to. My home.
Because they are where my heart is.
And you know - you always meet twice a lifetime.
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You'll never walk alone
2 min read
It's really done, I got my diploma!
From now on, I'm not going to school anymore and the rest of my life is beginning. Tomorrow is Prom night and I'm looking forward to seeing all the girls I spent the last 9 years with together for one last time.
It was a battle and a hard one, sometimes. School is something necessairy, that's true. But in the past, I often wanted to quit... But hey, I made it through. I'm a survivor
I thank my parents for bearing with me and my moodiness while I was having exams, my teachers for showing me so many things and last - but not least - my theater group that taught me that the stage is a great place where I can show the world what's inside me.
Thanks, guys.
To everyone else out there who's still struggling to school: Good luck.
To everyone else out there who's already done with it: Congrats, I'm one of you now
How wonderful Life is...
- Elton John, "Your Song"
From now on, I'm not going to school anymore and the rest of my life is beginning. Tomorrow is Prom night and I'm looking forward to seeing all the girls I spent the last 9 years with together for one last time.
It was a battle and a hard one, sometimes. School is something necessairy, that's true. But in the past, I often wanted to quit... But hey, I made it through. I'm a survivor
I thank my parents for bearing with me and my moodiness while I was having exams, my teachers for showing me so many things and last - but not least - my theater group that taught me that the stage is a great place where I can show the world what's inside me.
Thanks, guys.
To everyone else out there who's still struggling to school: Good luck.
To everyone else out there who's already done with it: Congrats, I'm one of you now
How wonderful Life is...
- Elton John, "Your Song"
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To chase my wishes...
2 min read
[EDIT] ARGH! The mood emoticon's not working again!! xD ... I'm not depressed. Just reminiscing. [/EDIT]
Christmas is over, the 25th is, too.
Now, we're standing on the eve of a new year.
Looking back, I can't say that 2009 was a good year. There are some things that were nice (me passing CAE, making up with my best friend...) but mostly, this year took very much of me.
If 2008 was the year of Depression, 2009 was the year of Loss. Whoa.
I think I've never loathed someone as fiercely as I've done this year. I still can't see that woman without wishing to kill her. Or punch her, at least. Also, she's been the cause of the loss of what was dear to me - my friends. I wouldn't care about it so much if the girls would just SAY that they don't wanna have anything to do with me anymore instead of being friendly to me one second and ignoring me the other. But it seems that saying out loud that the friendship's over needs much more bravery than any of them has.
I'm glad that I still have my best friend, though. It has always been the two of us against the world and I guess that it'll stay this way. She's great, even though she manages to seriously piss me off sometimes.
Yeah, well, what else? 2010's gonna be the year of Changes. I'm gonna finish school, move out and apply for the university. That's the plan, at least. But I really believe that I can make it. Otherwise, I wouldn't know what to do .___.
Anyway, I wish all of you a Happy New Year, the best of luck for all your plans and who knows what...
Love you, guys!
And see you all next year, then
Christmas is over, the 25th is, too.
Now, we're standing on the eve of a new year.
Looking back, I can't say that 2009 was a good year. There are some things that were nice (me passing CAE, making up with my best friend...) but mostly, this year took very much of me.
If 2008 was the year of Depression, 2009 was the year of Loss. Whoa.
I think I've never loathed someone as fiercely as I've done this year. I still can't see that woman without wishing to kill her. Or punch her, at least. Also, she's been the cause of the loss of what was dear to me - my friends. I wouldn't care about it so much if the girls would just SAY that they don't wanna have anything to do with me anymore instead of being friendly to me one second and ignoring me the other. But it seems that saying out loud that the friendship's over needs much more bravery than any of them has.
I'm glad that I still have my best friend, though. It has always been the two of us against the world and I guess that it'll stay this way. She's great, even though she manages to seriously piss me off sometimes.
Yeah, well, what else? 2010's gonna be the year of Changes. I'm gonna finish school, move out and apply for the university. That's the plan, at least. But I really believe that I can make it. Otherwise, I wouldn't know what to do .___.
Anyway, I wish all of you a Happy New Year, the best of luck for all your plans and who knows what...
Love you, guys!
And see you all next year, then
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